


Deliver me into my fate.

by leiajedi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:47:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22995682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leiajedi/pseuds/leiajedi
Summary: Remus realizes he can't risk to hurt the ones he loves.Based on a Slipknot song.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	Deliver me into my fate.

Remus and Sirius never kept secrets from each other. Or at least, not since Sirius found out that Remus was a werewolf. After that, they promised each other to always tell the truth, during that night, in which they kissed from the first time, and their cold hands touched, making them feel warm.

They were together since that moment, and Remus still couldn't believe that Sirius fell for someone like him. The werewolf didn't think much of himself, many and many times a voice in his head reminded him of how many people he hurted, and how many he could hurt in the future.. or kill. Just the thought of it left him breathless. Sometimes he had dreams about this, and he always woke up panicking, with his cheeks full of tears. Fortunately, Sirius was always there to make him feel better. He was always so good, so pure and sweet. He deserved better than Remus. He needed someone that was as "innocent" as him. 

All those thoughts made Remus furious. They made him want to punch the wall, hoping that his negative feelings would transfer from his mind to the wall thanks to strenght of the punch. He wanted to break everything he saw and scream. But he realized that that's exactly how other people saw him: angry and violent. Maybe they weren't so wrong afterall, he thought. Maybe violence and anger were exactly what he was made of.

He felt like leaving Sirius and his friend was the right thing to do. Leaving without coming back.

\---

"If you love me let me go." Remus whispered. He couldn't even look Sirius in the eyes. Those beautiful eyes, full of tears, just because of him.   
"Please, just.. go away." His voice was marked by the tears. Sirius never saw him like that. He knew that, unfortunately, the probabilities of Remus hurting someone were high, but he still couldn't let him go.  
"I... I will find a way. We will get through this.. together. But please, I can't say goodbye to you, not here, not now, not like this." He used all the strenght left in his body to talk.   
Remus felt a deep rage rising in him again.  
"You don't understand!" He screamed so loud that Sirius finally lift his head up. Their eyes met, it was just a second but it felt like a hundred years. Everything went silent, and Remus swore he could hear his heart breaking. The sad look on his lover's face.. it was his fault. It all hurted like hell, but it was the right thing to do. Remus thought that Sirius would have managed to get through the heartbreak. He just wanted to avoid his death. The werewolf told himself to stay strong, he convinced himself that he didn't care.. that he was heartless.   
"You don't understand.. I don't want to end up killing someone! I don't want to end up killing you!" His voice was broken, just like his heart. It was almost like the words didn't want to come out.   
"It's.. it's better this way. If I stay here, I'll end up destroying everything, but if I go away.. well, I can't destroy what isn't there."  
Sirius took Remus' hand. "You.. you can't" their bodies were so close. "You can't leave.. I wouldn't stand it." He took his other hand as well. Remus hesitated for a second, enjoying that touch, for the last time.  
"Deliver me into my fate." He let go of his hands, and with all the strenght that he had left, he turned around and left.   
He didn't know how to leave that place, nor where to go once he was out. He wanted to go somewhere far away, where he could be alone. Where feelings and emotions weren't a thing, where he couldn't have loved or hated anyone or anything. 

That day, Remus Lupin left Sirius Black in the Forbidden Forest, he turned around and never looked back.

Their last memory of each other were a little touch and eyes full of tears.

\---

2 years later

Remus kept reading the same letters. Sometimes, he didn't even read them, he just looked at them, hoping they would make him remember some pieces of his life that would have made them happy again. Just for a second. That's what made him go on, his memories of Sirius.   
He looked at the letter he was holding. He kept it close to his face, hoping it would still have his perfume on. But there was nothing. He closed his eyes, hoping the tears wouldn't start to fall down. All he could see was an abyss of darkness. 

He put the letter away and start to look at the sky. There were no stars, no light. In that moment he realized that the only light he needed in his life was Sirius. He was the only one who was able to make him happy, even in his darkest moments. He was the one who was able to calm him down, always. God.. he missed him so much. He couldn't imagine his life without Sirius anymore. He thought he was strong enough. It all seemed.. impossible. He could survive without Sirius, but surviving doesn't mean living. 

He wondered how Sirius was. Does he ever think of Remus? Did he find someone new? Was he happy?

The thought of Sirius being happy without Remus made old feelings grow inside of the werewolf. Something he hasn't felt since that night. He wanted to smash everything he found on his path, so he started to kick and punch everything he found. He wanted to scream, and that's what he did. He screamd so loud his throat started to hurt. If his vocal chords could have bleed, they would have. 

He stopped for a second and everything went quiet. The darkness start to surrond him, and he felt like he was falling down. And then.. the void.


End file.
